Splatter University (1984) | 31 Days of Horror: Oct 15

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You’ve got some red on your homework.

Splatter University is the most brazen of college slasher films. It appears to be a string of nearly random scenes and non-sequiturs arranged into an almost cohesive film about the killings at a  New York college. While it makes some interesting decisions about the end of the film, so much of the story is poorly scripted and random that it’s not recommended. So, read on!

Before Viewing

This trailer’s narrator invokes both The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and Halloween in the first 10 seconds before showing possibly every murder in the film. The narrator makes some bad puns as coeds see dead bodies scream, and a person with a knife thrusts it toward the audience. There’s a killer on campus and no one is safe. Classes at Splatter University are now closed.

Presented below is the trailer for the film.

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After Viewing

At Bellevue Hospital at 2:43 pm paranoid schizophrenic William Grayham is found to be missing. Two doctors, a male and a female, search for him throughout the facility. Grayham, face unseen, kills the male doctor by stabbing him in his crotch and taking his outfit, escaping the hospital. Three years later at St Trinian’s College in New York a female sociology teacher, Janet (Donna Hartman), is killed in her classroom by an unseen assailant. Cut to the “next semester” (subtitled “Yesterday”) where Julie Parker (Francine Forbes), a young sociology professor, is being interviewed by the wheelchair-bound headmaster Father Janson (Dick Biel).

Julie rents a local apartment from Mrs. Bloom (Mary Ellen David), who recounts the story of a tenant who did away with her husband via arsenic poisoning. Other scenes introduce students at the school including Cathy (Kathy LaCommare), who tells her friend she is “late,” and the couple Tony (George Seminara) and Doreen (Joanna Mihalakis). Julie tries to be cool around the students but they do not seem interested in the sociology class, even when she tries to make it topical, by discussing the current abortion bill. Father Janson talks with Julie, reminding her to stick to the curriculum and report any student that is a problem.

Tony, who is often a jerk around Doreen–even cutting class to see another girl Denise (Denise Texeira), does something that makes her leave the diner they’re eating in. She is attacked in her car, having her forehead slit open, and her body thrown in the dumpster. Another teacher named Mark (Ric Randig) visits Julie in her classroom and takes her to dinner. Julie receives books about the “Miracle of Christ” at her apartment, sent by the school. A title card indicates that it is “Three Weeks Later.” Cathy indicates she won’t be in class, presumably to have a doctor’s appointment for an abortion.

Mark and Julie go to an early movie. Cathy and her abusive boyfriend Tom (Ken Gerson) go to the drive-in to see a bad horror film. Tom jumps on Cathy in the back seat. She takes off into the woods where her throat is slit. Tom goes to see where she went, returning to the car where her body is slumped in the front seat. He assumes she’s just not talking to him and sulks in back. Cindy (Laura Gold), another teacher, calls Julie in the middle of the night to tell her that Cathy is dead, and Mark does not appear to be home.

When pressed by Father Janson, Julie cannot tell him what her discussion with Cathy was about. Suspicious of Mark, Julie and Cindy go to his apartment where Julie breaks in discovering articles about the murders and a knife. She slips out just as he returns home, but he sees them drive away. Later a smell in the hallways concerns the students and teacher. Julie opens a closet to find the mutilated body of Cindy! Julie informs Father Janson that she’s quitting and leaving tomorrow. That afternoon, Margaret (Noel Stilphen), a secretary who has been seeing Father Williams (Dan Eaton), is killed in a bathroom stall.

As Julie packs up her car, the killer appears in Denise’s apartment closet, stabbing her in the mouth. Mark comes over to see what’s wrong, but Julie–knowing he must be the killer–knocks him out and heads to the school to tell Father Janson. He doesn’t understand her concerns about Mark, as he stands up from his wheelchair and pulls a knife out of his crucifix. He stalks her in the halls, stabbing her on an elevator where Mark finds her. Mark goes to tell Father Janson of the death when he notices blood on the crucifix on his wall. The film ends with doctors recommitting the man and discussing this case. The man is actually Daniel Grayham who escaped three years ago and was pretending to be a priest.

“This is the most disgusting movie I’ve ever seen.” – Cathy

Time for the third movie in a theme week made up of collegiate slasher films inspired by Randy’s quote from Scream 2. In that film, he asks the killer what his favorite scary film is. “Wait. Let me guess. The House On Sorority Row? Dorm That Dripped Blood? Splatter University? Graduation Day? Final Exam?” And with that, I have the majority of films to review in a theme week. You can check out these links to the previous films, Sorority House Massacre (a substitution this year), and The Dorm That Dripped Blood. Splatter University is the directorial debut of Richard W. Haines (who also co-wrote and edited the film as well). He had a small part as Father Perkins (who sits in on one of Julie’s classes) and would go on to write, direct, and edit the Troma film Class of Nuke ‘Em High as well as edit Troma’s The Toxic Avenger. This particular film was theatrically distributed by Troma Entertainment, but not produced by that company. For those unfamiliar with the tiers of B-grade movies (and below), it goes like this. The top tier is Roger Corman and American International Pictures films. These would include any of the Edgar Allan Poe cycle (The Pit and The Pendulum, The Tomb of Ligeia) plus X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes and Death Race 2000. The next tier would include the films of Full Moon Entertainment, a mostly direct-to-video company. Their titles include the Puppet Master, Subspecies, and Trancers franchises. Finally, the lowest tier is reserved for Troma films. This company, most closely associated with Lloyd Kaufman, has been known to produce or distribute early films by celebrities who have gone on to become famous including Kevin Costner in Sizzle Beach, U.S.A. (1981), Trey Parker and Matt Stone in Cannibal! The Musical (1993), and James Gunn in Tromeo and Juliet (1996). They are also famous for the Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ‘Em High franchises, plus titles like Sgt Kabukiman NYPD and Surf Nazis Must Die.

But just because a film is produced (or distributed) by a studio that is associated with lower-quality titles doesn’t necessarily mean that the film is going to be bad. Let’s take Splatter University for instance. This might be a film that engages a certain portion of the population. But objectively, it is not a good film. For starters, it uses subtitles over the first scene to indicate that “William” Grayham has gone missing from the hospital. The doctors look for him in the hospital thinking that someone has misplaced him, rather than the fact that he escaped. Throughout the entire opening, he is referred to as William. But at the end of the film, the character is referred to as “Daniel” when he is recaptured. But that’s just one example. Reportedly the original film came in at a sparse 65 minutes, and reshoots were undertaken to pad this out. Did the filmmakers add a new subplot, or make some better stylistic choices? No. What was added is apparently several scenes with students making dark, comedic jokes about the killings. Students that are not seen in any other scenes, and wear the same clothes throughout the semester. It makes the film seem a little like the ballroom sketches from The Muppet Show, which had characters telling one-off jokes in between other sketches. The film also has weird references to, among other things, The Three Stooges (see Report Card below) and Dr. Strangelove. The final lines from Father Janson/William or Daniel Grayham are about women draining his precious fluids, much like General Jack D. Ripper’s diatribe about his “precious bodily fluid” being poisoned.

It takes a while to get comfortable with Splatter University’s method of filming because it’s hard to determine which characters to follow. Typical horror films, slasher films notwithstanding, create a small cohort of characters, with a clear lead (usually the Final Girl), best friends, and other characters that will die before the final frame. There are so many groups of characters, many with similar names (Donna/Denise, Cathy/Cindy, Janet/Julie, Tom/Tony) that there are too many victims and suspects. Julie doesn’t quite emerge as the possible lead until about a third of the way through the film. However, she is played as best she can be, by Francine Forbes, now known as Forbes Riley. Forbes is “an award-winning TV host, spokesperson, celebrity fitness and lifestyle expert, professional coach, keynote speaker, actress and author,” who goes by Dr. Forbes Riley on social media. She has the most naturalistic and believable performance in the film, allowing the audience to give a damn about her. And her scream is an excellent and chilling sound that raises the thrill factor.

The film also manages to come up with some creative and interesting deaths. Even though the date on the film is listed as 1984, supposedly Splatter University was filmed in late 1980 and 1981. Even though all killings are done with the knife hidden inside Janson’s crucifix (one of the more clever weapons), everyone is killed slightly differently. From being stabbed in the groin and then having their neck slit (like the doctor), to Cindy getting her chest mutilated with the knife (and left in the closet), to Margaret’s disemboweling in the toilet. Talks about IBS! So many different and extravagant killings have been made in the intervening years, between over 50 slasher films, but these still stand out. The film is also ahead of the curve in creating a villain masquerading as a priest. While no backstory is given for Grayham (perhaps he was a product of religion before being committed), the killings of Father Janson are all based on moral issues with the students and faculty members. Cathy is pregnant and looking to get an abortion, something frowned upon in the Catholic church. Doreen and Denise are involved in premarital sex. As was Janet and Margaret, who were involved with a teacher and a priest at the school respectively. This is one of the few slasher films in which no men are killed, but they are just as culpable as the women in the sins–and oftentimes worse human beings. Both Tom (Cathy’s boyfriend and father to her baby) and Tony (the guy two-timing on Doreen with Denise) are shown as despicable friends, partners, and lovers–but no ill befalls them unless you count the women in their life dying.

As with The Dorm That Dripped Blood, the Final Girl is killed off which is still a surprising idea. For the most part, Julie was doing everything correctly–except the fact that she suspected Mark to be the killer based on highly circumstantial evidence. If she hadn’t panicked at the end, she might have survived. Also in this case, the killer is recaptured and put back into the hospital where the obvious question is asked by an orderly, “Don’t they check references at these schools?” All in all, Splatter University is a rambling mess of characters having interactions that make no logical sense, or saying things just for the sake of providing some clue or plot exposition for the audience. There’s not enough going to make this interesting for the sake of the horror or the gore, let alone the acting or the plot.

Report Card

• Arithmetic: Eight deaths, as well as (shockingly) the Final Girl. Meets expectations.
• Science: As with The Dorm That Dripped Blood plenty of variety in the types of killings, all using the same weapon, but many do not make sense. How does a girl die from being sliced across the forehead? Meets expectations.
• Phys Ed: The only exercise here is everyone jumping to conclusions. Below expectations.
• Fine Arts: Unaware of how to film a two-shot. The interstitial of student commentary makes the tone goofy. Continuity problems galore. Below expectations.
• Music: Some excellent scream work by Francine Forbes, but that’s about it. Meets expectations.
• Final Grade: D+
• Teacher comments: Doctors at the sanitarium are named Dr. Howard and Dr. Fine as a reference to The Three Stooges gag with doctors Howard, Fine, and Howard.
• The character of Jimbo is played by guitarist James Martin from the band Faith No More.